One morning while I was still in bed half asleep, I heard my 6yo son talking to me...
T: The day after yesterday, at the lake, I swam all the way out to the boobies.
Me: Huh?
T: I swam all the way out to the boonies!
Me: Buoys?
T: Yeah.
Me: Wow,what fun, you're a great swimmer. Oh, and the day after yesterday is today.
On a different morning...
T: I woke up in the middle of the night and heard people screaming!
Me: Did you have a bad dream?
T: No, it was your TV show.
My daughter on the phone with me while she stayed four days at my mothers...
Day One
E: Grandma is a little annoying.
Day two
E: Grandma is really annoying and she never lets me talk.
Day three
E: Grandma is really annoying and she never lets me talk and she is ALWAYS right!
Day four
I called her.
Me: So, is Grandma still driving you crazy?
E: Um, mom, you're on speaker phone.
Poor Grandma
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Mama's Panic Attack
Sorry I haven't been around to visit lately, I've been a little stressed out. Actually I've been a lot stressed out.
For years I have had anxiety and depression, more anxiety than depression. The most troubling symptom I have is obsessive thinking. Some days I can't shut down my brain. I've tried several antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and have found that Lexapro works the best for me. Most days I can handle my thoughts and talk myself into letting them go out of my head, most days. There are certain things that trigger my anxiety, kids fighting, monthly hormones, my mother, kids fighting, lack of sleep, guilt, and did I mention kids fighting?
Well combine all those things at the same time and you have the perfect combination for me to have an anxiety attack.
Last week I had all these things together creating the perfect storm for my brain to go into overload. The kids had enough of each other, I was feeling pressure to get them ready for school, I didn't get enough sleep, my period is late which means my hormones were at an all time high,and I was feeling guilty wondering if I spent enough time playing with the kids over the summer. I particularly was feeling guilty for not following up with teaching T how to tie his shoes. We did it a few times but then just sort of forgot about it. I mean what kind of horrible mother am I, allowing him to get sneakers with Velcro instead of ties.
So what happens when I have all these worries is that I will obsess about them and if there are too many worries then my brain creates new make-believe worries. For example on my way to work on Tuesday, I kept imagining bizarre horrible accidents my kids could be in, I tried to talk myself down and say "It's just a weird thought, let it go"but they wouldn't go away. My heart started racing, I felt short of breath and chest tightness. I finally took a Xanax, just a half, and managed to get to work where my mind could focus on work instead of my personal life. Having the stress become so out of control is a rare occurrence for me, thankfully.
I'm feeling slightly better today. Yesterday was the first day of school and after I dropped the kids off, I came home and went straight to bed, where I stayed until 1:30PM! Just me and Cokee, cuddling and dozing on and off. It was wonderful.
Today I am tired but it's my own damn fault for staying up too late reading; I also still don't have my period, UGH! No, not pregnant, just starting peri-menopause. I would go back to bed now but there are men putting in a new bathroom floor right now. Maybe when they leave.
For years I have had anxiety and depression, more anxiety than depression. The most troubling symptom I have is obsessive thinking. Some days I can't shut down my brain. I've tried several antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and have found that Lexapro works the best for me. Most days I can handle my thoughts and talk myself into letting them go out of my head, most days. There are certain things that trigger my anxiety, kids fighting, monthly hormones, my mother, kids fighting, lack of sleep, guilt, and did I mention kids fighting?
Well combine all those things at the same time and you have the perfect combination for me to have an anxiety attack.
Last week I had all these things together creating the perfect storm for my brain to go into overload. The kids had enough of each other, I was feeling pressure to get them ready for school, I didn't get enough sleep, my period is late which means my hormones were at an all time high,and I was feeling guilty wondering if I spent enough time playing with the kids over the summer. I particularly was feeling guilty for not following up with teaching T how to tie his shoes. We did it a few times but then just sort of forgot about it. I mean what kind of horrible mother am I, allowing him to get sneakers with Velcro instead of ties.
So what happens when I have all these worries is that I will obsess about them and if there are too many worries then my brain creates new make-believe worries. For example on my way to work on Tuesday, I kept imagining bizarre horrible accidents my kids could be in, I tried to talk myself down and say "It's just a weird thought, let it go"but they wouldn't go away. My heart started racing, I felt short of breath and chest tightness. I finally took a Xanax, just a half, and managed to get to work where my mind could focus on work instead of my personal life. Having the stress become so out of control is a rare occurrence for me, thankfully.
I'm feeling slightly better today. Yesterday was the first day of school and after I dropped the kids off, I came home and went straight to bed, where I stayed until 1:30PM! Just me and Cokee, cuddling and dozing on and off. It was wonderful.
Today I am tired but it's my own damn fault for staying up too late reading; I also still don't have my period, UGH! No, not pregnant, just starting peri-menopause. I would go back to bed now but there are men putting in a new bathroom floor right now. Maybe when they leave.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday Sounds 10 or This Song is Dedicated to YOU!
I want to thank all of you for the wonderful comments and emails I received regarding my last post. I was overwhelmed by your kindness and willingness to share your personal stories about adoption with me. I was brought to tears by most of them.
Okay, let's cheer the hell up! Here is a new song by Michael Franti and Spearhead, Say Hey (I Love You)
This is for you!
Cool video, huh?
Okay, let's cheer the hell up! Here is a new song by Michael Franti and Spearhead, Say Hey (I Love You)
This is for you!
Cool video, huh?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Still Looking For My Biological Parents
It's now been six months since I hired a Private Investigator to find my biological parents and still no news.
Some days I spend too much time obsessing about my current search, my past, my complaints about how things went regarding my adoption.
One thing that comes to mind is the first story(lie) I was told about my biological mother. I only say "mother" because I was never told any story about my bio father and it wasn't until I was older that I started wondering about him.
The first fictional story my parents told me about my bio mother was not an unusual one. Many adoptee's have been told the same thing.
"Your mother died."
According to my adoptive mother, this is what "the lawyer said to tell" me. I know when people tell me to do stupid things like jump off a bridge, I do it. To say there was no common sense or any thought for how this might make me feel, is and understatement.
Imagine as a young child to be told that your mother is dead but at the same time not given any encouragement to grieve over this horrible loss, instead being told how "lucky" you were to be chosen for adoption out of "all the other babies in the nursery".
How sad is that? My mother died but no one seems to think I should be upset about it. Nobody talks about it.
When I was little, before my adoptive mother changed the story several more times, I was sad about the death of my bio mother. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, romanticising about what she might have been like. It was very confusing to say the least. I was too young to vocalize many of the thoughts, feelings and questions I was having, but they must have affected me deep inside even then.
Now, I can look back and think of some of the questions my subconscious mind must have pondered...
If my mother died...
Since I was adopted at birth (supposedly) did she die because of me?
Where is my father?
Where is my other family?
Do I have any sisters or brothers?
I still wonder every day about the answers to these questions.
Okay, not looking for sympathy with these posts; I just want people to gain some understanding about how closed adoption affects people.
Some days I spend too much time obsessing about my current search, my past, my complaints about how things went regarding my adoption.
One thing that comes to mind is the first story(lie) I was told about my biological mother. I only say "mother" because I was never told any story about my bio father and it wasn't until I was older that I started wondering about him.
The first fictional story my parents told me about my bio mother was not an unusual one. Many adoptee's have been told the same thing.
"Your mother died."
According to my adoptive mother, this is what "the lawyer said to tell" me. I know when people tell me to do stupid things like jump off a bridge, I do it. To say there was no common sense or any thought for how this might make me feel, is and understatement.
Imagine as a young child to be told that your mother is dead but at the same time not given any encouragement to grieve over this horrible loss, instead being told how "lucky" you were to be chosen for adoption out of "all the other babies in the nursery".
How sad is that? My mother died but no one seems to think I should be upset about it. Nobody talks about it.
When I was little, before my adoptive mother changed the story several more times, I was sad about the death of my bio mother. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, romanticising about what she might have been like. It was very confusing to say the least. I was too young to vocalize many of the thoughts, feelings and questions I was having, but they must have affected me deep inside even then.
Now, I can look back and think of some of the questions my subconscious mind must have pondered...
If my mother died...
Since I was adopted at birth (supposedly) did she die because of me?
Where is my father?
Where is my other family?
Do I have any sisters or brothers?
I still wonder every day about the answers to these questions.
Okay, not looking for sympathy with these posts; I just want people to gain some understanding about how closed adoption affects people.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Saturday Sounds 9 or Would You Like an Hors d'oeuvre With That Sweat?
Me: We have to go to Northern Lights, just one more time, PLEASE!
Hus: Why? That placed is a death trap. No.
Me: But Social Distortion is playing there! Mike Ness, you like Mike and the current drummer played for The Offspring. You LOVE them. OOH and you know Social D will do Ring of Fire, Please! I've always wanted to see them. I may have seen them in the '80's but I can't remember.
Hus: Social D will draw a huge crowd. Don't you remember how bad that place was the last time we went there. It was raining sweat-other peoples sweat-from the exposed pipes on the ceiling. Gross.
Me: It's probably been fixed up since the fire. Remember when you were young and adventurous and going to a club like that was fun. Maybe we could bring an umbrella or wear a rain poncho. PLEASE!
Hus: Do you remember how hot it was in there. You don't do well in the heat. And you have to walk a mile to get to the ladies room.
Me: Ya, but... I have a Social D t-shirt!
Hus: That you bought at JC Penney!
Me: No, I bought my Red Hot Chili Pepper's T there; I got Social D's at Rockin Willy's.
Hus: Not going.
Me: But PLEASE! Do it for you father? He loved Johnny Cash. (low blow)
Hus: No.
Me:How bout I do something nice for you after the show?(low blow) You know how concerts turn me on, remember after Joan Jett?
Hus: No, well maybe.
Me: You know I didn't try to get you to go to see Green Day with me because the tickets were $150+ and I don't believe that a true Punk Rock band would ever charge that much (and now I change the station when Green Day is playing-but that's for another Sat Sounds) so guess how much these tickets are... $25, So cheap for a REAL Punk Rock band. PLEASE!
Hus: Maybe.
Me: Hey, remember the time my mother babysat while we went to a show there, and she asked if they served hors d'oeuvres?
Hus: BAWAhahahahahahaaha!!!
Okay, so Mike looks a little crazy in the vid,but he's supposed to. Maybe he just needs a little less eye liner.
I can't wait to see the show!
Poor Hus.
Hus: Why? That placed is a death trap. No.
Me: But Social Distortion is playing there! Mike Ness, you like Mike and the current drummer played for The Offspring. You LOVE them. OOH and you know Social D will do Ring of Fire, Please! I've always wanted to see them. I may have seen them in the '80's but I can't remember.
Hus: Social D will draw a huge crowd. Don't you remember how bad that place was the last time we went there. It was raining sweat-other peoples sweat-from the exposed pipes on the ceiling. Gross.
Me: It's probably been fixed up since the fire. Remember when you were young and adventurous and going to a club like that was fun. Maybe we could bring an umbrella or wear a rain poncho. PLEASE!
Hus: Do you remember how hot it was in there. You don't do well in the heat. And you have to walk a mile to get to the ladies room.
Me: Ya, but... I have a Social D t-shirt!
Hus: That you bought at JC Penney!
Me: No, I bought my Red Hot Chili Pepper's T there; I got Social D's at Rockin Willy's.
Hus: Not going.
Me: But PLEASE! Do it for you father? He loved Johnny Cash. (low blow)
Hus: No.
Me:How bout I do something nice for you after the show?(low blow) You know how concerts turn me on, remember after Joan Jett?
Hus: No, well maybe.
Me: You know I didn't try to get you to go to see Green Day with me because the tickets were $150+ and I don't believe that a true Punk Rock band would ever charge that much (and now I change the station when Green Day is playing-but that's for another Sat Sounds) so guess how much these tickets are... $25, So cheap for a REAL Punk Rock band. PLEASE!
Hus: Maybe.
Me: Hey, remember the time my mother babysat while we went to a show there, and she asked if they served hors d'oeuvres?
Hus: BAWAhahahahahahaaha!!!
Okay, so Mike looks a little crazy in the vid,but he's supposed to. Maybe he just needs a little less eye liner.
I can't wait to see the show!
Poor Hus.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Love/Sex Child Couple # 1
When I was younger, and even now, like the other night when the fam and I came up with this couple, I used to fantasise about who my parents might be. Sometimes I would imagine having famous parents, other times I was sure my schizophrenic aunt was my mother.
Couple # 1
Sally Field and Gene Wilder
+
= Me
Pretty brown eyes, nice smile, short stature(exactly the same height as me) + curly hair, awesome sense of humor = ME!
Pretty brown eyes, nice smile, short stature(exactly the same height as me) + curly hair, awesome sense of humor = ME!
Just in case you are new here, I am kidding.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Saturday Sounds 8 or It Was So Shiny I Had to Touch It
Back in the eighties, when I was cool, I frequented many dark and mysterious seeming "underground" night clubs. These were the type of clubs that weren't advertised in the local paper or listed in the phone book. Neo punkers, goths (aka death rockers) and rockers could be found hanging around in these places.
One night I was at one of these clubs talking with my friend Jack, looking around at the different interesting patrons and sipping a beer. Suddenly,in my peripheral vision, I noticed something large black and shiny.
I turned to look and was startled to see the longest, most luscious, shiny, perfectly straight jet black hair I had ever seen. I couldn't stop my hand from reaching out and touching it. The owner of said hair turned to me and gave me a questioning glance. I smiled at him and said "Your hair is soooo beautiful and SHINY!"
The man, who I thought was very handsome, yet, not my type, smiled back and simply replied "Thank you."
We both turned away and resumed our previous conversations.
Jack's mouth was hanging open and he whispered to me "Do you know who's hair you just touched?"
"Nope, but it's really shiny, isn't it?"
"Ya, he's the lead singer of The Cult!"
"Oh, well his hair is shiny!" I replied as if that is an excuse to touch a complete strangers hair. I guess I was lucky he was so nice about it.
You don't have to watch the whole vid to get my drift.
One night I was at one of these clubs talking with my friend Jack, looking around at the different interesting patrons and sipping a beer. Suddenly,in my peripheral vision, I noticed something large black and shiny.
I turned to look and was startled to see the longest, most luscious, shiny, perfectly straight jet black hair I had ever seen. I couldn't stop my hand from reaching out and touching it. The owner of said hair turned to me and gave me a questioning glance. I smiled at him and said "Your hair is soooo beautiful and SHINY!"
The man, who I thought was very handsome, yet, not my type, smiled back and simply replied "Thank you."
We both turned away and resumed our previous conversations.
Jack's mouth was hanging open and he whispered to me "Do you know who's hair you just touched?"
"Nope, but it's really shiny, isn't it?"
"Ya, he's the lead singer of The Cult!"
"Oh, well his hair is shiny!" I replied as if that is an excuse to touch a complete strangers hair. I guess I was lucky he was so nice about it.
You don't have to watch the whole vid to get my drift.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Schlopp. Schlopp. Beautiful Schlopp.
Beautiful schlopp with a cherry on top.
Dr. Seuss could always sum life up in a way nobody else could.
His writings and illustrations, quoted and shown above, are from his book "Oh the Thinks You Can Think!". I must have read that book a thousand times and I never got tired of reading it or looking at the pictures.
I find his illustrations remind me of well known artists, especially the surrealists, like
Salvador Dali (born the same year as Dr. Seuss) and Giorgio de Chirico.For example Giorgio de Chirico's Melancholy and mystery of a street.
So why is it that Theodor Seuss Geisel's, work doesn't appear in any of my fine art or English lit books? There are other cartoonists ( sorry about all the links) in my Jansen History of Art book.
The first time I attended college, I majored in Fine Art. I took classes in painting, drawing, lithography, art history and English literature. Not once did any professor mention Dr. Seuss.
In fact, I was taught by these community college art/literature professors to be an "art snob". We learned all about the famous da Vinci, Michelangelo, Botticelli, Picasso, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I love these artists; I would kill to be able to be able to visit the Louvre at least once in this lifetime. But I remember the look my art history prof gave a student for asking why Norman Rockwell wasn't included in our book. Well, after that, I wouldn't dream of asking about Dr. Seuss. I rebelled in High School, not college.
Now I recognize what the profs were doing, but now I choose to like who I like, and not because everyone else likes them. Obviously if you've read my Saturday Sounds posts, you know. I feel the same way about music.
I'm lucky that my husband encourages me to decorate our house whatever way I want.
My daughter also proudly displays his artwork on her person.
Oh and did I mention Dr. Seuss and I went to the same High School? Different years though.
Dr. Seuss could always sum life up in a way nobody else could.
His writings and illustrations, quoted and shown above, are from his book "Oh the Thinks You Can Think!". I must have read that book a thousand times and I never got tired of reading it or looking at the pictures.
I find his illustrations remind me of well known artists, especially the surrealists, like
Salvador Dali (born the same year as Dr. Seuss) and Giorgio de Chirico.For example Giorgio de Chirico's Melancholy and mystery of a street.
So why is it that Theodor Seuss Geisel's, work doesn't appear in any of my fine art or English lit books? There are other cartoonists ( sorry about all the links) in my Jansen History of Art book.
The first time I attended college, I majored in Fine Art. I took classes in painting, drawing, lithography, art history and English literature. Not once did any professor mention Dr. Seuss.
In fact, I was taught by these community college art/literature professors to be an "art snob". We learned all about the famous da Vinci, Michelangelo, Botticelli, Picasso, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I love these artists; I would kill to be able to be able to visit the Louvre at least once in this lifetime. But I remember the look my art history prof gave a student for asking why Norman Rockwell wasn't included in our book. Well, after that, I wouldn't dream of asking about Dr. Seuss. I rebelled in High School, not college.
Now I recognize what the profs were doing, but now I choose to like who I like, and not because everyone else likes them. Obviously if you've read my Saturday Sounds posts, you know. I feel the same way about music.
I'm lucky that my husband encourages me to decorate our house whatever way I want.
He never rolled his eyes once while I painted this Dr. Seuss fence on our living room wall. Note,the Grackle was my addition to the fence, not Seuss's.
My daughter also proudly displays his artwork on her person.Oh and did I mention Dr. Seuss and I went to the same High School? Different years though.
Monday, August 03, 2009
They Are Everywhere
Could my camping trip have been any worse than already described in my post "Vectors and Vermin"? Well, yes.
I had high hopes for spending Saturday at the lake. The weather called for mostly sun with highs in the 80's. I put on my new lovely pink sundress-not caring that I was camping-and made the one mile hike to the lake.
First thing I noticed was the unusually large amount of people at the lake that day. Must be some sort of reunion or party going on, whatever.
Hus made a comment that he noticed some adults wearing T-shirts that had "Ask me about adoption" printed on them.
At the exact time, I saw someone I knew playing on the beach with her adopted son.
OH CRAP. "Wouldn't you know that the one and only day I go to the lake this summer, it's the same day that Friends in Adoption were having their annual reunion. I remembered the acquaintance telling me about this get together where adopted kids and their adopted parents get together with the biological parents.
At this point E, my 11yo daughter, mentioned that she was thinking there were a lot of adopted kids at the beach because she noticed a lot of dark colored children with light colored parents.
Hus chimed in "And a lot of alternative couples with kids."
Right in front of us was a lovely good looking lesbian couple laughing and enjoying playing in the water with their son.
"Soo not fair, why couldn't I have been adopted by a cool progressive lesbian couple." (No offense dad)
Later the adoption people got together for a ginormous group photo. I saw how happy they all seemed and it made me sad.
It also made me imagine myself grabbing the bull horn out of the organizers hands and yelling into it "Screw you happy adoption people!"
I had high hopes for spending Saturday at the lake. The weather called for mostly sun with highs in the 80's. I put on my new lovely pink sundress-not caring that I was camping-and made the one mile hike to the lake.
First thing I noticed was the unusually large amount of people at the lake that day. Must be some sort of reunion or party going on, whatever.
Hus made a comment that he noticed some adults wearing T-shirts that had "Ask me about adoption" printed on them.
At the exact time, I saw someone I knew playing on the beach with her adopted son.
OH CRAP. "Wouldn't you know that the one and only day I go to the lake this summer, it's the same day that Friends in Adoption were having their annual reunion. I remembered the acquaintance telling me about this get together where adopted kids and their adopted parents get together with the biological parents.
At this point E, my 11yo daughter, mentioned that she was thinking there were a lot of adopted kids at the beach because she noticed a lot of dark colored children with light colored parents.
Hus chimed in "And a lot of alternative couples with kids."
Right in front of us was a lovely good looking lesbian couple laughing and enjoying playing in the water with their son.
"Soo not fair, why couldn't I have been adopted by a cool progressive lesbian couple." (No offense dad)
Later the adoption people got together for a ginormous group photo. I saw how happy they all seemed and it made me sad.
It also made me imagine myself grabbing the bull horn out of the organizers hands and yelling into it "Screw you happy adoption people!"
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