It's A Jungle Out There!

I've been MIA from the Blogosphere for a couple weeks or so and I really missed you guys. I think the Requip I started to take was causing me to be depressed and lonely without my noticing until I stopped taking it. I stopped because it wasn't doing the job it was supposed to, which was to help me sleep. Instead it was taking me more time to fall asleep, then I was sleeping lighter and waking up more often, if that's possible.

It's really no wonder that I have trouble sleeping around here. My sleep schedule is unusual to begin with being that I work second shift. On an average night I am awakened several times from various noises. I am awakened even with my sleeping pill and while wearing ear plugs. T, my 6yo son and E, my 11yo daughter both talk in their sleep. They also occasionally walk in their sleep. E more than T.

The cat's also wake me up several times during the night. Summer, the youngest, if not outside all night, will just walk up and down the hall meowing at each bedroom door. Cokee, our lovely 17yo Siamese cat will come and go from our bed as she pleases and feels the need to loudly announce herself each time she climbs onto the bed and insists she sleep UNDER the covers with ME! Arthur, our middle boy will decide it's time to torture the other cats,usually around 3AM.

The Hus gets up at 5AM which wakes me up, again. Not great because I would have most likely gone to bed at 2 if I didn't work and 3 if I did.

Then I have to get up out of bed for 7AM to help the kids get on the bus. I go back to bed at 8 and sleep, no wonder, until I barely have time to do anything before the kids get home or I go to work.

My morning sleep is, for the most part, my best sleep. Lately however, this sleep time has been unkindly interrupted too. And it always seems to happen at around 9AM, when I am in a deep sleep.

First I was awakened by a "CAW CAW CAW!!!". I opened the shade and of course saw a crow which I yelled at to shut up and go away.



A few days later, I opened the shade again because I heard what I thought was my cat on the screen. AAHWHWHWHWHGG! (this is not the actual squirrel, as I don't sleep with a camera)

Then a few days later, I heard a loud "HeeQUACK HEEQUACK HEEQUACK!" and I thought "What the FUCK, is there a G-DAMN duck out there now?!!". I opened the shade and found a Guinea Hen, much like the one in this picture, staring up at me and yelling. He/she(?) had traveled from my neighbors, about a tenth of a mile, across the road and through a small wooded area to get to my house and to my bedroom window. FUCKER! I'm going to have to report this trespass to my neighbor.

Hope you all get a good night sleep.

Pathological Gambling, Impulsive Behaviors, Increased Libido...

Binge eating, hallucinations, and (Hus's favorite) hyper sexuality are just some of the potential side effects from a medication I'm going to start taking. The results came back from my sleep study-I have mild to normal sleep apnea, which isn't bad enough to qualify for a sleep apnea machine. I also have Restless Leg Syndrome, which could be the reason I'm not sleeping well at night and feeling unrested after a long nights sleep.

The med my doc wants me to try is Requip for the RLS and while normal medication side effects like nausea, vomiting, allergic reactions etc., don't worry me, the above ones I mentioned, sort of do. The med has been ready for me at the pharmacy for over a week and I still haven't picked it up. Then today, because I overslept and still felt too tired to get out of bed, I decided I'm going to get it this afternoon and start it tonight.

I told Hus to watch me for side effects. For example, if I start coming home with scratch off lottery tickets, which I never do, or start talking to people who aren't there, hardly ever do, or take up binge eating again, he needs to tell me so I can stop taking the med! I doubt he'll tell me if I suddenly have hyper sexuality. Heh Heh, he is a man after all!

Wish me luck with my new med. Hope I don't go crazy!


Not a particularly flattering picture of me sleeping. Do you love my Mr. Magoo pillow case and all the red white and blue. I'm thinking 1976?

Nighty night!

Mama's Panic Attack

Sorry I haven't been around to visit lately, I've been a little stressed out. Actually I've been a lot stressed out.
For years I have had anxiety and depression, more anxiety than depression. The most troubling symptom I have is obsessive thinking. Some days I can't shut down my brain. I've tried several antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and have found that Lexapro works the best for me. Most days I can handle my thoughts and talk myself into letting them go out of my head, most days. There are certain things that trigger my anxiety, kids fighting, monthly hormones, my mother, kids fighting, lack of sleep, guilt, and did I mention kids fighting?
Well combine all those things at the same time and you have the perfect combination for me to have an anxiety attack.
Last week I had all these things together creating the perfect storm for my brain to go into overload. The kids had enough of each other, I was feeling pressure to get them ready for school, I didn't get enough sleep, my period is late which means my hormones were at an all time high,and I was feeling guilty wondering if I spent enough time playing with the kids over the summer. I particularly was feeling guilty for not following up with teaching T how to tie his shoes. We did it a few times but then just sort of forgot about it. I mean what kind of horrible mother am I, allowing him to get sneakers with Velcro instead of ties.
So what happens when I have all these worries is that I will obsess about them and if there are too many worries then my brain creates new make-believe worries. For example on my way to work on Tuesday, I kept imagining bizarre horrible accidents my kids could be in, I tried to talk myself down and say "It's just a weird thought, let it go"but they wouldn't go away. My heart started racing, I felt short of breath and chest tightness. I finally took a Xanax, just a half, and managed to get to work where my mind could focus on work instead of my personal life. Having the stress become so out of control is a rare occurrence for me, thankfully.
I'm feeling slightly better today. Yesterday was the first day of school and after I dropped the kids off, I came home and went straight to bed, where I stayed until 1:30PM! Just me and Cokee, cuddling and dozing on and off. It was wonderful.
Today I am tired but it's my own damn fault for staying up too late reading; I also still don't have my period, UGH! No, not pregnant, just starting peri-menopause. I would go back to bed now but there are men putting in a new bathroom floor right now. Maybe when they leave.

Keepsake Boxes

Every Passover the kids and I travel to visit my family in NJ. The littlest cousins exchange gifts,usually a toy or game. This year I decided to get them something special and I bought these wonderful keepsake boxes for the girls made by Stephanie and sold on her Etsy site Crafty Lolly. The one pictured is my daughter E's. Unfortunately, probably due to my drinking too much Passover wine, I didn't get pictures of the two boxes I gave to my cousins. Let's just say that the youngest one, I'll call her Princess A, loved hers. She carried it around with her all evening collecting discarded ribbons and anything pretty or shiny she could find, and placing them inside her box. Stephanie also personalized the box for the oldest girl, since she is not a princess type at all, but more of a softball playing, gonna be an astronaut someday, girl.

Check out the incredible details...

We were surprised to find that even the inside of the boxes were decorated.

And because I am extra special, at least she made me feel that way, Stephanie sent me this gorgeous lanyard made with my favorite colors. (Isn't my uniform top cute?)

You can also visit Stephanie at her blog Crafty Lolly. So, go now and visit!

Miscellaneous Manure 2

Cokee is doing great and her ass still smells sweet!

T was sick this weekend with a fever over 104. First he threw up at pre-school camp on Friday. I brought him home and he was 101. No big. We napped, after he stopped crying about missing his Pirate party and play date with BFF. He drank okay but wouldn't eat solids. That night he had night terrors which scared the crap out of me. He was screaming and picking at things in the air, eyes wide open but still he was asleep. Saturday he was okay,but that night he spiked to over 104, at first hus took it and it was 105.1 but the tympanic thermometer is usually a degree higher than it really is. Hus put him in the pool, no help, he put him in the shower, no help. I came home early from work, but T will not take medicine no matter how hard we try. We can't hide it, he knows.We can't force it because he will gag and spit it out. Finally I gave him a suppository of Tylenol. He made me feel horrible about it after. "You hurt me mama" "You're a bad mama" "You don't love me" "Go away". I put ice on his head and his fever broke an hour later and Sunday he was all better!

Hus, kids and I went on our annual vacation to Surf City, New Jersey. The weather was great and the beach was like an episode of Baywatch. Every day we got to watch at least 2 life guard rescues. I particularly enjoyed watching the sun bleached blond hottie doing his thing. Hus seemed to enjoy the brunette, however, he thought she was neglecting potential rescues. Luckily no one was hurt. I bought E and T body wave boards and E really liked hers. T fell off his once and that was enough. There was a cool sand bar we were all able to swim to with smaller waves for the kids to surf in.

I have been busy transporting the kids back and forth to camps. E is at Girl Scout Camp this week and will be sleeping over tonight. I wonder if I could find a sleepover play date for T tonight...

I have also been busy working. More than the usual number of annoying sick people this summer.

I have been spending my ME time at night reading and watching TV series on DVD. I have finished the first 3 books in the Stephenie Meyer Twilight series and I am on the waiting list for the fourth at the library. Any of you reading it? Loving it? I seem to meet more and more people who are addicted to this series. I am part of a group of nurses who plan on going together to see the movie when it comes out in December. You can find out more about the books from my Shelfari bookshelf on my side-bar.For TV I am watching season 2 of Charmed and still not quite sure if I really like it or not. I am waiting for the second season of Angel to be delivered when it becomes available. I am totally addicted to that series now. It did take a while ,but now I love it.

We are having a Bikini Bottom birthday party for T's 5Th birthday Sunday. I drew pictures of the main characters from SpongeBob on poster board and the kids painted them. (It keeps them occupied for a short time!!) E asked if I was going to "fix T's?" I don't think so. We are going to swim, play "Pin the shorts on Patrick" and bust open a pinata.

I can't wait until school starts. Some days I just don't handle being with the kids very well. I even resort to Xanax occasionally. I find it hard to say "no" when they ask me to do something. I feel pulled in a million different directions sometimes. For example, the other night I was making supper and E wanted me to help paint her Girl Scout project, T wanted help with his Game boy, and I wanted to set up my new MP3 player. I somehow managed to do it all but dinner was at 7. Yes, hus was here but was mowing the lawn and gardening. Most evenings I just kick them both out so they can play,but sometimes they spend all day outside, they just don't want to go. That is until I go outside!!!

Manischewitz and Medication

Back on April 2ND I was tagged for a meme by Jess Riley, a talented, funny and insightful writer of Rileys Ramblings and author of her soon to be released debut novel Driving Sideways. I recommend stopping by and visiting her blog, you will surely enjoy it. I can't wait to read her novel, which will be released May 20Th.

For this meme there are the usual rules, which I am not going to follow. I also don't ever forward chain emails, even though I kinda do fear bad luck! I am just rebellious like that. I live life on the edge.

The meme states to share 6 unimportant things about myself. Instead of random unimportant things, I am going to list 6 unimportant things I did while visiting my aunts house this past weekend for Passover.

1) I found out I was wearing the wrong size bra. I hear about such things happening to other women, but never thought it could happen to me. My aunt J, whose house I was staying at during the holiday, owns a fancy lingerie shop. One of the things they specialize in is finding a woman's proper bra size and then selling them a really really expensive bra. There was good news and bad news for me.The bad news was that my back is bigger than I thought, I guess I am still in denial about my weight. The good news was that I needed a bigger cup size! I was wearing a B but I fit much better into a C! WoO WoO! (.)(.) changed to ( . )( . )! Then my aunt sold me the really expensive bra for cost, phew.

2) I told my mom that the outfit she wore made me want to break out in a song from The Sound of Music. It was a 2 piece casual set with a really loud pattern on it. Not exactly like the pattern on the curtains Julie Andrews used to make the kids play clothes, but curtain-like enough. Perhaps a cross between toile, paisley and faux brocade? A jacket or pants alone or maybe a purse made with that design would have been more appropriate and less straining on the eyes.

3)I shopped as much as possible. Where I live in Vermont I have to drive at least a half hour to go clothes shopping. My aunts house is a mile or less from every store imaginable. I spent time at Target first, but didn't find much, which is unusual. I spent more time a Kohl's where I found lots. Everything was buy one get one free. You didn't even have to buy the same thing, it just had to be 2 things made by the same brand. I only regret not having enough time to shop at Loehmanns.

4)I snuck contraband into my aunts house. Kosher for Passover houses are cleaned before the holiday to remove any bread or other yeast made foods. I have a habit of waking up in the early morning hours starving. The only thing I have found that fills my stomach, allowing me to fall back asleep, is a Fig Newton. So I snuck them in via my suitcase, sorry aunt J!

5)I drank kosher wine. I always bring kosher for passover wine with me so I don't have to wait to be offered a drink, heh heh. My family, well most of them, are not big drinkers. I, on the other hand must have a drink before and Seder begins. The Seder is the special meal, which includes reading from a special book, singing Hebrew songs, drinking Manischewitz wine and eating special Passover foods. Did I mention singing?

6) Last, and perhaps not such an unimportant thing, more of an important thing about my Passover time, is the fact that I needed to medicate myself with Xanax every morning. Each morning after I drank my coffee and ate breakfast, I medicated myself with Xanax. The reason, which is old news around here, is my mother. I cannot be around her without medication. If I don't take something, she will suck the energy and life and any amount of happiness I might be feeling at the time, right out of me. I skipped Passover last year because I hadn't yet discovered the wonder drug Xanax. I can be around my mother and not feel like I want to strangle her or at the very least yell at her and tell her how crazy she is. The sad part about Xanax is that the effects are not lasting and it has no effect on my memory. Tuesday night, after a day driving home and not taking any med, was horrible. I spent the night obsessing about all the mean, wrong things my mother said or did during the weekend, which I didn't react to at the time. Reacting to her behaviors, trying to talk about my feelings or perceptions is useless and has always led to more heartache and pain for me. So the Xanax helps me not expend useless amounts of my energy and sanity on trying to fix things with her. Believe me I have tried time after time over the years and I get nothing but more pain. I am done with that. Obviously she doesn't give a crap about me and I do my best to accept this. If it wasn't for my children, who don't know yet how crazy grandma is, I probably wouldn't speak to her at all. But if at any time she becomes a negative influence on them, I will break all ties. They don't need to suffer from her bullshit games like I did. Okay, enough info for a separate post! Bored now.

40 is NOT the New 20

At 20...

I could drink a can of Slimfast and lose 5 pounds.

At nearly 40...

I could live on water alone for a week and gain 5 pounds.

At 20...

Men would stare at me at the supermarket and I would think they were admiring my beauty and thinking about how to get me into bed.

At nearly 40...

When men stare at me at the supermarket I think my hair must be sticking up, or I have something in my teeth,or a booger on my nose, then I look down to make sure I remembered to put pants on that morning.

At 20...

I took laxatives because I wanted to.

At nearly 40...

I take laxatives because I have to.

At 20...

I colored my hair to be fun and try something new.

At nearly 40...

I color my hair because I have to.

At 20...

I wore a bikini because I looked good.

At nearly 40...

I wear a tankini because it is much easier to go to the bathroom in one.

At 20...

I could dance and party in high heels until 2AM and wake up in the morning feeling great.

At nearly 40...

I could lie on the couch reading until 2AM and wake up in the morning feeling like I partied all night in high heels.

At 20...

I was asked once if I was a ballerina.

At nearly 40...

I was recently asked if I was pregnant.

At 20...

I could wear high heels all day and all night if I chose to.

At nearly 40...

I have to put orthopedic inserts in my shoes so my heels won't hurt all day.

Honestly I would never want to go back to being 20, but I wouldn't mind having my 20 year old body again.

Finally, I Get To Write About Myself

Karen MEG from A Day In The Life tagged me to do a meme I have been wanting to do for a while. I have been reading Karen MEG's blog for about a month and I really enjoy it. She is a funny and creative writer and you should go visit her.


7 Random Things About Myself
1. There are songs that I am unable to listen to without crying. 'Weekend In New England' by Barry Manilow, 'Shannon' by Henry Gross, 'Memories' by Barbara Streisand, 'The Winner Takes it All' by ABBA, 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' by Bonnie Tyler and All By Myself by Eric Carmen. Fortunately these songs are never played on the Radio Stations I listen to, and if I happen to come to one on a CD, I can easily skip over it. It is unfortunate however, if I am grocery shopping or in an elevator and one of these songs starts playing. I have to pretend there is something in my eye.
2.I won't eat home-made canned foods because I have a fear of Botulism. I have never known anyone that had Botulism poisoning and I have not ever had it, but I fear it would be fatal if I did. I will eat cheese from a can.
3. I recently purchased a 'Social Distortion' T-shirt for MYSELF, and I got all tingly with excitement when I did. I love the questionable looks I get from the more conservative moms when I wear it.
4.I have naturally curly hair and I get annoyed when people ask me if I have a perm. My husband tells me it is like a perm but more like "a week after you got a perm". Having curly big hair was a blessing in the '80's, now, I wish my hair was straight and shiny without a hint of curl. Of course if it was, I probably would want wavy hair. I try to straighten it when I have time, but no matter what products I use in it, the hair won't stay straight. I know it is silly to get offended by this question, but sometimes people will ask me more than once, as if they don't believe me.
5.I don't like gardening. I have tried it many many times, mostly before I had kids and wanted to spend quality time with hus. After I had each child I would make an excuse for not helping in the gardens "Well, who's going to watch the kids?" Finally I admitted to my hus that I don't like gardening and he just laughed and told me he already knew that. He told me he understood that I don't get the same kind of good feeling he does while gardening, like when I write or do an art project. I do enjoy having gardens though, especially flower gardens.
6.I change the price tags on certain items I buy. This is sort of a running joke between my hus and I. He will change the price on a bottle of wine to make it more expensive and I will change the price tag on my hair products and other things to make them less expensive. I scared my husband last week though, when I changed a small handbags price to make it more expensive, just to see if he noticed. He already assumed that I spent a lot on it because I bought it in Manchester Vt. The stores in Manchester are almost all expensive designer outlets. The bag was $14.00 marked down to $7.00. I changed the tag to read $14o.oo marked down to $70.00. Heh heh, I loved seeing the look on his face when he asked if I spent that much on a bag I would use once just for a wedding. If I really had spent that much, which is my own choice, I would have just taken the tag off altogether!
7. I had a job selling balloon bouquets once. I loved the job, it was fun and easy work. I was living in California at the time and I sold balloons to a few celebrities such as Adam Ant, Phil Collins and two different General Hospital stars whose names I don't know. I eventually got fired because I could never seem to get there on time. I didn't have a vehicle at the time and I constantly missed the bus!




Thanksgiving update: Unfortunately grandma didn't say "Phenomenal" once, the B*TCH! I didn't feel like drinking too much anyways as alcohol seems to just make me tired lately. I did however take Xanax which helped me not yell at grandma. She did repeat "at least they have their health" or I am thankful we all have "our health" over and over. So my husband made me laugh several times by saying "at least they have their health" at any opportunity that arose like when were watching the news and something dreadful happened to someone like their house burnt down. It was a fun time had by all!

Strange Summer Days

I thought that summer would be a time for sleeping late,relaxing and having fun. I even posted earlier that I was thinking about decreasing my anti-anxiety and insomnia meds. I was soooo wrong. I have been able at times to sleep later, but that's it. Everyday I have been dealing with kids that can't get along. They constantly yell at each other and threaten bodily harm. Of course at times actually harming one another! It's all Mama Mama Mama Look at Meeee Look at Mmmeeeeee! I don't want to look at them all the time. Some days I don't care about seeing their coloring projects or see T jump on one foot. I just want to be left alone for just a few damn minutes. One day I heard both of them screaming from outside. I went out to see what the fucking problem was now. I found T swinging a wooden croquet mallet at E because he thought it was his turn to swing on the tire swing. YIKES!

It seems my anxiety has been steadily increasing with each passing minute I have to spend with these demon children. On some days, by 11 am even, I was already tearing through my medicine cabinet in search of anything that might help my nerves. One day I took an Ativan meant for my dentist appointment, one day I found an old Darvocet. Do I have to become a drug addict in order to deal with my kids. I just can't handle the noise, yelling, petty jealousies and constant need for attention most days. Finally, having no more meds hidden away, I resorted to separating them at the first sign of bickering. That did help a little. I also made an appointment to see my doctor to update my meds....

Then, Monday came and E started her week of Girl Scout day camp. Wow, what a difference in the home atmosphere. T and I had a wonderful quiet day together. No yelling, fighting and he even was able to entertain himself for over and hour with his cars. I asked him to come swimming with me and he said "not now, I am playing with my cars". Really? He, at this very moment, on this now Thursday day 4 of E being away, is playing by himself with his Tinker Toys. I even WANT to go play with him.

It is not all E's fault and I don't want you to think that I blame it on her alone. Even though she can be a real bitch for a 9 year old. T turns into an annoying little brother when she is around, and she doesn't for the most part want to be near him.

While T and I were hanging around outside on Monday we noticed this strange flying insect on our flowers we have never seen before. I looked it up and I think it is a Hummingbird Moth. It is just slightly larger than a bumblebee with wings that work like a Hummingbirds. It is very pretty and it wasn't bothered by me shoving the camera at it for a close shot. It has come back to these same flowers everyday since.

I have no idea what the flowers are called. I just named them Paisley because of their shape. Maybe one of you know?

Pretty Paisley Flowers

Pretty Hummingbird Moth on Pretty Paisley Flowers

Relax... It's Finally Spring

OH, happy me, spring has finally reached Vermont. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, the air is warm and my mood is much improved since its low this winter. I think I may even try to wean myself off my meds. Maybe cut in half my Lexapro, do I dare? Maybe try and sleep without the little blue butterfly? First, I must make it through till the end of the school year. June 11th. Only two dance rehearsals, two recitals, one play, one class picnic and one history final project left. And, that is just for E. Luckily, T only has one event left, the preschool end of year carnival. I don't think I can go without sleep until it is all over.

I will leave you with some signs of spring in my yard. Yes, I broke down and bought a digital camera. I love it! How did I ever live without one? By the way, I am not the gardener in the family, my husband is.

Green

Lupins closer

Columbine

Tulips

Purple and Yellow flowers?

Compost

Lilacs

Mini Garden