So Very Tired

Just a quick blog to say how very f***ing tired I am. I had 3 hours sleep last night because I worked till MN, couldn't fall asleep till 3am then had to get up at 6am! I have been wanting to blog, and I think about things to write, but have been too tired lately. Finally, 8 days off, yeah! I am going to sleep and try hard to do a real blog. I also want to figure out how to put links to other blogs on my blog page. I must go my mind is drifting off...

Sucker!

Before I blog about what a sucker I am, I'll follow up on my last blog. I realized quickly after waking up the next day in a great mood, what my problem was. The weather, I have known right along that my moods worsen in the winter. But lately they seem to be directly related to how much sun is out on any given day. During my Insecurity post we had a few days when the sun did not show throught the clouds at all. It would be one in the afternoon, and look like dusk outside, very depressing. The sun has been out since then, even just a little, and even though it is much colder outside, I still feel better. I am going to see my doctor and talk to her about either adding a med, or about the value of getting a S.A.D. lamp. Does anyone have any experience with them?
Anyways, back to why I am such a sucker! ( I am sure I am not alone in this) I was driving to the mall the other night. I left T with my husband and E at a Kids night out at the local college. Well, my mind started wandering, as usual, and I started to have a really bad feeling regarding this holiday season. Not the first time I have had these thoughts. "what a sham, I am on my way to spend all my "extra" money on a shitload of toys and junk, for my kids who already have a shitload of toys and junk! Just so they can feel good about themselves that Santa came and left them toys?" It seems so stupid. I also feel like I have to give them Hanukka presents as I am Jewish. My husband is not. I used to at least teach my daughtor about the religious aspects of the holidays, but since I had a bad experience with the local (only one within 30miles) Temple, I have even stopped that. I do need to do some spiritual searching, but who has time. So I get to the mall and forget all that I was thinking, because , though I hate to admit it, I LOVE TO SHOP! So of course I bought a shitload of toys and junk!Sucker, but whoo hoo, what fun. At least I didn't charge anything. Cash on the barrel or Debit on the barrel in this case, whatever that means. I do try and teach my kids to give thoughout the year, T is hard because he is only 3, E is getting better, she is 8. Every once in a while I have the kids go through there small toys and stuffed animals and we pick out what is good and washable and I donate them to the hospital where I work, we don't have many kid patients , but when we do it's nice to give them something. We also bring in stuffed animals from the Dollar Store. I do need to think of more things for us to do as a family but at least it's something.

Feeling Better

I am feeling better today. I will try to blog about it later. Right now I must go tend to my 3 year olds desperate need to have socks on "NOW".

Insecurity

Hello, I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. Don't know exactly why. Meds not working maybe. Too much Pinot Grigio. Could be both, except, I felt the same way yesterday afternoon and I wasn't drinkinig. It all started when I picked my son up from preschool. I observed the moms,
as they got out of their cars, talking to one another and I noticed some where waiting outside each others cars so they could walk together to the door to pick up their kids together. The only reason why I noticed these particular moms was because I had recently been to a Mom and children scrapbooking evening with 2 of them at one of their houses. They invited me to it, so thats good, right?, While I was there I kind of felt like I do around most local moms, left out. I hate to start from the beginning, so I'll try and make it short. I've been living in Vermont for 13 years and only over the past few years have I been interested in finding new female friends. I have found it a challenge on many levels. I find I am older than most moms of young children, 38, I find that most moms I meet are from here, and already have enough friends,Or I live way too out in the boonies for them to care to socialize with me. What happened yesterday that set my mood off, is that one of the moms that was supposed to call me with some info, didn't, and when I saw her she made no attempt to explain or even say hello to me. It made me feel like I was in High School again, I don't want to be there again. I don't want to worry about what people think of me and yet I want girlfriends. My husband is my best friend and I can talk about anything with him and he always understands and loves me for who I am. Why else is he with me after 10 years? So why do I care if some local moms like me? Why waste my energy and time worrying about what they think of me. I shouldn't take if personal right? People like me, my co-workers think I am funny. I have a friend who goes out to dinner with me and a movie once in a while. I have old friends who like me and my husband, who' s most important likes me and thinks I am funny. I am funny, and I am loveable damnit!

Toy Shopping With Shaggy

Shaggy picked me up after work the other day. He said "I'm riding in the front" and he proceded to open the rear passenger door for me and then assisted me in. He told me his mother would be driving. I said "OK". We drove to his moms house and we hung out with Shaggy's little brothers and mom for a while, then he took me to his neighbors house. His neighbor was a middle age women who apparently is in some "trouble with the law" and Shaggy was helping her out around the house and with her 2 kids lately. After a while we decided to go to the toy store for some Holiday gifts for the kids. So Shaggy and I wandered the aisles looking at the latest new toys.
Suddenly he turns toward me and leans in close like he is going to kiss me and says "so what time do you want me to pick you up on Sunday?"
"Well, you do know I'm married, right?" I replied, "I guess we could just hang out, two oclock is good."
I woke up.
What? I had Shaggy, a man I have had a crush (non-psychotic, non-stalker type) on since 1993, in my dream, making a pass at me and I told him I was MARRIED! What is wrong with me? What kind of person shows that kind of moral restaint in a DREAM? Its not like my husband would tell Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz HE was married. I tried in vain to return to my wonderful fantasy dream where I could do or Shaggy could do to me, whatever obscene pleasurable things we wanted to do, but alas, I failed. Shaggy is all about the ladies. Damn!