Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Before I blog about what a sucker I am, I'll follow up on my last blog. I realized quickly after waking up the next day in a great mood, what my problem was. The weather, I have known right along that my moods worsen in the winter. But lately they seem to be directly related to how much sun is out on any given day. During my Insecurity post we had a few days when the sun did not show throught the clouds at all. It would be one in the afternoon, and look like dusk outside, very depressing. The sun has been out since then, even just a little, and even though it is much colder outside, I still feel better. I am going to see my doctor and talk to her about either adding a med, or about the value of getting a S.A.D. lamp. Does anyone have any experience with them?
Anyways, back to why I am such a sucker! ( I am sure I am not alone in this) I was driving to the mall the other night. I left T with my husband and E at a Kids night out at the local college. Well, my mind started wandering, as usual, and I started to have a really bad feeling regarding this holiday season. Not the first time I have had these thoughts. "what a sham, I am on my way to spend all my "extra" money on a shitload of toys and junk, for my kids who already have a shitload of toys and junk! Just so they can feel good about themselves that Santa came and left them toys?" It seems so stupid. I also feel like I have to give them Hanukka presents as I am Jewish. My husband is not. I used to at least teach my daughtor about the religious aspects of the holidays, but since I had a bad experience with the local (only one within 30miles) Temple, I have even stopped that. I do need to do some spiritual searching, but who has time. So I get to the mall and forget all that I was thinking, because , though I hate to admit it, I LOVE TO SHOP! So of course I bought a shitload of toys and junk!Sucker, but whoo hoo, what fun. At least I didn't charge anything. Cash on the barrel or Debit on the barrel in this case, whatever that means. I do try and teach my kids to give thoughout the year, T is hard because he is only 3, E is getting better, she is 8. Every once in a while I have the kids go through there small toys and stuffed animals and we pick out what is good and washable and I donate them to the hospital where I work, we don't have many kid patients , but when we do it's nice to give them something. We also bring in stuffed animals from the Dollar Store. I do need to think of more things for us to do as a family but at least it's something.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Feeling Better

I am feeling better today. I will try to blog about it later. Right now I must go tend to my 3 year olds desperate need to have socks on "NOW".

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Hello, I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. Don't know exactly why. Meds not working maybe. Too much Pinot Grigio. Could be both, except, I felt the same way yesterday afternoon and I wasn't drinkinig. It all started when I picked my son up from preschool. I observed the moms,
as they got out of their cars, talking to one another and I noticed some where waiting outside each others cars so they could walk together to the door to pick up their kids together. The only reason why I noticed these particular moms was because I had recently been to a Mom and children scrapbooking evening with 2 of them at one of their houses. They invited me to it, so thats good, right?, While I was there I kind of felt like I do around most local moms, left out. I hate to start from the beginning, so I'll try and make it short. I've been living in Vermont for 13 years and only over the past few years have I been interested in finding new female friends. I have found it a challenge on many levels. I find I am older than most moms of young children, 38, I find that most moms I meet are from here, and already have enough friends,Or I live way too out in the boonies for them to care to socialize with me. What happened yesterday that set my mood off, is that one of the moms that was supposed to call me with some info, didn't, and when I saw her she made no attempt to explain or even say hello to me. It made me feel like I was in High School again, I don't want to be there again. I don't want to worry about what people think of me and yet I want girlfriends. My husband is my best friend and I can talk about anything with him and he always understands and loves me for who I am. Why else is he with me after 10 years? So why do I care if some local moms like me? Why waste my energy and time worrying about what they think of me. I shouldn't take if personal right? People like me, my co-workers think I am funny. I have a friend who goes out to dinner with me and a movie once in a while. I have old friends who like me and my husband, who' s most important likes me and thinks I am funny. I am funny, and I am loveable damnit!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Toy Shopping With Shaggy

Shaggy picked me up after work the other day. He said "I'm riding in the front" and he proceded to open the rear passenger door for me and then assisted me in. He told me his mother would be driving. I said "OK". We drove to his moms house and we hung out with Shaggy's little brothers and mom for a while, then he took me to his neighbors house. His neighbor was a middle age women who apparently is in some "trouble with the law" and Shaggy was helping her out around the house and with her 2 kids lately. After a while we decided to go to the toy store for some Holiday gifts for the kids. So Shaggy and I wandered the aisles looking at the latest new toys.
Suddenly he turns toward me and leans in close like he is going to kiss me and says "so what time do you want me to pick you up on Sunday?"
"Well, you do know I'm married, right?" I replied, "I guess we could just hang out, two oclock is good."
I woke up.
What? I had Shaggy, a man I have had a crush (non-psychotic, non-stalker type) on since 1993, in my dream, making a pass at me and I told him I was MARRIED! What is wrong with me? What kind of person shows that kind of moral restaint in a DREAM? Its not like my husband would tell Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz HE was married. I tried in vain to return to my wonderful fantasy dream where I could do or Shaggy could do to me, whatever obscene pleasurable things we wanted to do, but alas, I failed. Shaggy is all about the ladies. Damn!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Do I look familiar?

I'm adopted. My Birth certificate says I was born February 24, 1968 at 12:30 pm in the town of Niskayuna in the county of Schenectady, New York. This may or may not be the truth. Part of the reason I'm not sure this is true is that I was born in 1968. (at least I think so). In 1968,
and today I'm sure, there are many ways to "adopt a baby", legitamate Adoption agency to the Black market route. My dad says I was a "gray market" baby, my mom denies any other possible shade other than "off white".
I've always wondered, if only in the back of my mind sort of way, what my history is. Over the years my parents told me everything from the not even close to the truth to the what they think might be the truth. For example " We picked you out of all the other babies at the hospital" or "Your biological mother died during birth" or "we were told your mother was short, but pretty".?. I try to give my parents the benefit of the doubt and think that the reason they dont remember much is a sort of defense mechanism they use to protect themselves. It wasnt until recently, within the last few years, after giving birth to my own children, that I have really been interested in finding my biological family. And it wasn't until I actually started investigating ( using the term loosely), that I realized how much I cared about the whole thing. I have only tried a few things, but each thing led me to a dead end. And every dead end led me to a crying spell. I am not a cryer! Except maybe sad movies or commercials. I thank Lexapro for that. But everytime someone told me they could not help me I would spontaniously burst out in tears, like some silly teenager not yet in controll of their hormones. This says to me ,I must really care about my history, whether I want to admit it or not.
Here's my story, maybe someone out there has had a similar adoption and has some advice on how I should next proceed.
Supposedly my adoption was planned ahead of my birth through a lawyer in New York. I was born premature and while I was still at the hosptital, my biological mother left without signing any adoption paperwork. She was never seen or heard from again. According to the lawyer, he was unable to locate her. My adoptive parents still were able to take me home to Massachusetts. My parents say I was picked up at the Hospital. My grandmother told me my dad actually changed his license plates, drove to NY and I was "passed through the window of my parents car" by my lawyer. Because no papers were signed, my parents had to wait 11 years to officially adopt me because of the abandonedment laws. During the 11 years, the Lawyer died, so my lawyer uncle took over my adoption in Mass., and my original birth certificate was sealed forever in NY. I waited years to finaly call my uncle only to have him tell me he knows nothing to help me. He said back in 1979 NY would tell him nothing. I recently tried the NY Adoption Registry only to be told I cannot register in NY or Mass, being that I was born in one state and adopted in another.The woman I spoke to said I was "up the creek without a paddle, and she did not know what my next step should be.
Should I call a lawyer, and if so, from what state? I cannot afford a private investigater. Should I try Dr. Phil?
I have also had some recent medical issues that my Doctor said it would be helpful to know my health history.
It is not the end of the world if I never find out where I came from. I have always been good at compartmentalization whether I wanted to be or not. Its part of the reason I am a good nurse. I can care for a sick child or a patient on their deathbed and offer compassion and caring to them and their love ones without breaking down.(at least not until I am ready to break down, I am not a cold hearted bitch) So I can put my search way down in a bottom compartment for a while untill I get up the courage to try again.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Oops, I forgot to put the answers!

1. Valley Girl
2. Somewhere in Time
3. The Patriot
4. What Dreams May Come
5. Dances with Wolves
6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer last episode

I am finding it difficult to fing the time to blog even though I think I enjoy it. I guess its also insecurity on my part. I hope to get over that. Time, I dont know how to get over that.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The State Fair

O.K. my last and very first post was juvenile. What can I say except I was drinking and I had fun writing it and thinking about some of my favorite movies. I have purposefully not responded to any bloggs with my new blog identity for fear of someone finding my first and thinking I was a 16 yo stuck in a time warp. So, do delete it? Do I just write for myself. Yah, that sounds ok for now.
Well I would like to write about the State Fair. My husband,two kids and I went yesterday. When I arrived at the fair and opened my van door, the first thing that hit me was the smells. Sweet fair smells, cotton candy, candy apples, fried bread dough, my mouth was watering. We entered the fair grounds and joined the swarms of other poeple also trying to enjoy themselves."mama, I have to use the bathroom",my daughtor said. I did to but still made her feel guilty for making us all wait a little longer for the fun to start. It didnt take long to realize, that if your memory is still intact there is no reason to go to the fair more than once in a lifetime. It never changes. Year after year, the same vendors selling the same crap. The same propaganda spewing political/religious right freaks are allowed a booth. The same racing pig and majic show. Does anyone know why adults without kids like to whatch these? The same rides. Is duct tape regulation when used to hold a kiddie ride together?
As my family and I tried to nicely shove our way through the crowds, I suddenly had a flashback. A bad acid trip type flashback. I said this to my husband and he looked back at me as if he knew exactly what I was talking about and I dont think he's ever done acid. Where do these people come from that go to the fair. How come they cannot afford teeth, but can afford to attend the fair?
Back to the smells, after about 2hours of rip roaring fun, they started to change. Gone were the sweet enticing fair smells.Now it was all about ciggarette smoke, old vomit, horse manure and sweat.
wow, I can be really judgemental. I guess I was having a bad day before I went to the fair. The kids really did have a good time and thats what counts. Right?

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My first blog

Hi, I am new to blogging and this is my very first blog. I have been reading other blogs for less than a year. I found out about blogging from an old friend Baby on Bored blog. I am even not sure if I am doing it right! Maybe I should start by letting you know I have drank 1/2 bottle of Pinot Grigio (1.5 liter bottle) before I even started writing. (courage) I thought I should start my first blog with a game. Sorry, but I cant think of anything I would rather blog about at this time! (I know you enjoy playing, but not neccesarily admitting to it). The game is easy. I am going to give some quotes from my favorite movies or tv shows, and you guess what movie or tv show they are from. They are not the kind of quotes you would hear from popular critics or from popular movies, just the ones that give me chills or remind me of personal times in my life.
Here we go.
1. " that girl Julie is truly dazzlin"( shows my age)
2."come back to me" (above)
3."Papa! Papa!"(this scene makes both me and my husband cry)
4."It was only Christy, Always only Chris".(above)
5."can you see that I will always be your friend"(Age)
6."I love you" "No you don't but thanks for sayin it"(TV)
Do you have any idea what movies,tv I am quoting from?
Probably too vague, I have to get used to this blogging thing.
Yes, I love to watch movies and tv, it helps to keep me in touch with the outside world. I rarely have time for either, that would explain the outdated quotes!
I will write the answers in my next blog. I have to put my children to bed right now and enjoy the time I have before I fall asleep.