Monday, March 26, 2007

My Poet

Before I blog about My Poet, I would like to thank everyone that visited my blog to offer support with my adoption search. I am especially thankful to Ungrateful Little Bastard for all of her help finding support for me and pointing me in a direction, as I had none. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I think adoptions can work as long as there is honesty, patience and openness.

I also updated my Blogroll. I hope I got everyone's link correct.

Onto My Poet.

The other day, when my eight year old daughter came home from school, the first things she did was to kick her boots off, throw her jacket on the floor,run upstairs to her room and announce "I'm going to do my homework". "What ?" I asked thinking, what ? no prerequisite snack, TV time, whining, bargianing to do it after supper, avoidence strategies? I asked what the homework was and she told me she had to write a poem. Oh, that explains it. She loves to do homework involving writing or art. She writes and draws everyday. I think she has talent. But I am her mother.
After a half hour she came downstairs and showed me her poem. This is it ...

The People Above and Below

I know a person who lives upstairs.
He is really quite a bother.
Once he even scared away
My dear Grandmother.

I know a person who lives downstairs.
He is really quite a pig.
Once he even ate the birds
Off my dear Aunts wig.

These people live above and below.
They can really be a pain.
And when I put them together
I am really quite...

Cute huh? I asked her about the poem. I asked who are "the people" as we don't have people above or below. She said "they are all ME". Wow, thats deep. Does she need therapy or does she just have a really good imagination. I guess I'll see if she starts talking to "the people"

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Do I Look Familiar? Part 2

Here I am again, blogging about my adoption. When I first started this blog, I was really angry. I managed to write the first sentence then add the picture. (thats me when I was around 2 years old, cute huh?)

Now that I am not angry at this moment I wasn't sure if I should even write about what made me so mad. My first "Do I Look Familiar ?" blog tells a little history about what I know and don't know about my adoption and my on off wish to find biological family.
Well, on to what made me angry. What, or I should say who, in my life angers me, when I am around that person, my own personality changes. Who else but my adoptive mother. It seems that I have been angry at her my whole life. She in general is a hard person to be around for anyone. Her personality and reasons why people can't tolerate her for very long is in itself a long story and for another post, perhaps.
Anyways, if you read my adoption HX, you'll know what I am talking about. With the following dialogue I had with my A mom the other night. I should also say that the reason the confrontation occured was because as my husband says I "hit the wall" with my A mom. She was only supposed to stay over our house for 2 nights to babysit during days I had to attend a conference for work. Because of the winter storm she stayed an additional night. My patience wore out. I know it doesn't do any good to confront her. I know I will never have the relationship I want with her. I know that I've tried enough and I have accepted this on most levels. However, I was at my limit of pretending everything was hunky dory between us.
We were watching show on kidnapping. This is approximately the dialogue that occured. (thankfully, my hus was already asleep)
Me:" a while back, you said you would call H to see if her kids had found their biological family, I am ready for you to do that."
Amom:"why would I do that, how will that help, I don't think that will help"
Me:" I think it will help because the same lawyer was used and they might know how to find records or have suggestions and you said you would, you said you would help me"
Amom: " I don't see how that will help, but I will, what else can I do?"
Me:"You could give me $5000 to hire a private investigator to help me,you do know anything will help?since I have nothing, no hospital name, no doctor name, you can't even remember where you supposedly picked me up, was it a hospital, was it a K Mart parking lot, you don't know"
Amom:"I'll give you the money, but it won't be enough, and the lawyer said it was a hospital"
Me: "I was handed to you through a car window, and you don't even really know where I came from"
Amom: "they handed you to your father"
Me:"You might not even have my birthday right, back then a lot of birthdays were changed in adoptions, nothing was ever signed by my birthmother, I wasn't legally adopted until I was 11, what was I until then.
Amom:"the lawyer told me when you were born, you were adopted thats all I know"
Me:"you got me through a lawyer, no paperworked signed, you had to wait 11 years to legally adopt me because of abandonement laws, but how do you know I was actually abandoned? I could have been KIDNAPPED!
Amom:" I just really wanted a baby"
Me:" a lot of people want babies, and they get them legally, and so I was adopted and given a good life but lived my whole life wondering where I came from, never quite knowing why I didn't fit in with my A family, and thats ok because you got your baby. This (and I pointed to me and then to her) will never be ok untill I have answers. I am going to bed now."

And that was the end, the next day came and nothing more was said about it . She was finally able to leave. And I finally had my house and my sanity back. She is the only person that I am so mean to. Yes, I yell at my kids, I get upset with my hus at times, but I never feel like I can't stand them or feel so angry I can't get over it. I never feel like I hate them. But sometimes I feel like I hate her. Most days I feel sorry for her pathetic self, but on that night I hated her as much as I did when I was a teenager.
I am going to spend some time today signing up at different adoption sites. I just filled out paperwork for the International Registry. And I might even call a lawyer this week to see if he has any advice for me as to my next step.
Thanks to anyone who read this venting post. If you have any advice let me know.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Fire Starter

Every morning my husband starts a fire in our wood stove. It makes the kitchen and E's room feel cozy and warm. I love to wake up and go right over to the stove to warm myself . Then I say to myself "I must remember to keep the fire going today". I get busy with the day and soon forget all about it. When I eventually remember to add wood to the fire, it is already out. It is not hard to start a fire. At least that is what people tell me. I did not grow up with a wood stove, but I have lived with one for the past 14 years in Vermont. You would think I would be an expert. But instead it usually will take me half a day to start one. Then after all my hard work I forget about it again. So I turn up the furnace. My husband loves when I keep the stove going all day. He comes home and looks at me so lovingly and approvingly like I am the best wife and mother in the world because I kept the house warm and cozy. Well he really only cares about the money. He pays the oil bill, and he doesn't like spending money. So I try. Today I have kept it going for 4 hours so far.

Weather and Family Update

We are all doing well trying hard to make it through another winter without losing our minds or at the very least hating one another. T and E could not get along for 5 minutes this past weekend. It was very aggravating. Yesterday on the way to school, I gave them a long talk about trying to get along. I also explained how stressful it is on me and papa to hear so much yelling and crying. Usually E (8yo) will say "Ok mama, I'll try harder to be nicer to my brother", but yesterday she said "NO, I'm not going to try and be nice because it is no use, I can't do it!" Well, at least she was being honest.

E is doing well in 3rd grade, math was shaky in the beginning but now , no thanks to mama and papa, she is doing better. She takes tap, jazz, plays basketball, and is a junior brownie. I am really proud of her, I hated all those things because I was shy. I am glad she is not.

T loves preschool most days. The teacher says he prefers play to any other activities, but that he is smart. I also have been taking him swimming at an indoor pool weekly which he enjoys. He also still "wuvs mama" and prefers time with me to anyone else.

Papa has also been in a bad mood lately. He can't wait to get outside and garden. We all hope that no creatures have eaten the many bulbs he planted last fall.

Mama(me) looks forward to spring just to improve my mental health. I need sunshine soon or I will have to up my Lexapro dose or my drinking

I just can't wait to swim in my pool...