Saturday, March 17, 2007

Do I Look Familiar? Part 2

Here I am again, blogging about my adoption. When I first started this blog, I was really angry. I managed to write the first sentence then add the picture. (thats me when I was around 2 years old, cute huh?)

Now that I am not angry at this moment I wasn't sure if I should even write about what made me so mad. My first "Do I Look Familiar ?" blog tells a little history about what I know and don't know about my adoption and my on off wish to find biological family.
Well, on to what made me angry. What, or I should say who, in my life angers me, when I am around that person, my own personality changes. Who else but my adoptive mother. It seems that I have been angry at her my whole life. She in general is a hard person to be around for anyone. Her personality and reasons why people can't tolerate her for very long is in itself a long story and for another post, perhaps.
Anyways, if you read my adoption HX, you'll know what I am talking about. With the following dialogue I had with my A mom the other night. I should also say that the reason the confrontation occured was because as my husband says I "hit the wall" with my A mom. She was only supposed to stay over our house for 2 nights to babysit during days I had to attend a conference for work. Because of the winter storm she stayed an additional night. My patience wore out. I know it doesn't do any good to confront her. I know I will never have the relationship I want with her. I know that I've tried enough and I have accepted this on most levels. However, I was at my limit of pretending everything was hunky dory between us.
We were watching show on kidnapping. This is approximately the dialogue that occured. (thankfully, my hus was already asleep)
Me:" a while back, you said you would call H to see if her kids had found their biological family, I am ready for you to do that."
Amom:"why would I do that, how will that help, I don't think that will help"
Me:" I think it will help because the same lawyer was used and they might know how to find records or have suggestions and you said you would, you said you would help me"
Amom: " I don't see how that will help, but I will, what else can I do?"
Me:"You could give me $5000 to hire a private investigator to help me,you do know anything will help?since I have nothing, no hospital name, no doctor name, you can't even remember where you supposedly picked me up, was it a hospital, was it a K Mart parking lot, you don't know"
Amom:"I'll give you the money, but it won't be enough, and the lawyer said it was a hospital"
Me: "I was handed to you through a car window, and you don't even really know where I came from"
Amom: "they handed you to your father"
Me:"You might not even have my birthday right, back then a lot of birthdays were changed in adoptions, nothing was ever signed by my birthmother, I wasn't legally adopted until I was 11, what was I until then.
Amom:"the lawyer told me when you were born, you were adopted thats all I know"
Me:"you got me through a lawyer, no paperworked signed, you had to wait 11 years to legally adopt me because of abandonement laws, but how do you know I was actually abandoned? I could have been KIDNAPPED!
Amom:" I just really wanted a baby"
Me:" a lot of people want babies, and they get them legally, and so I was adopted and given a good life but lived my whole life wondering where I came from, never quite knowing why I didn't fit in with my A family, and thats ok because you got your baby. This (and I pointed to me and then to her) will never be ok untill I have answers. I am going to bed now."

And that was the end, the next day came and nothing more was said about it . She was finally able to leave. And I finally had my house and my sanity back. She is the only person that I am so mean to. Yes, I yell at my kids, I get upset with my hus at times, but I never feel like I can't stand them or feel so angry I can't get over it. I never feel like I hate them. But sometimes I feel like I hate her. Most days I feel sorry for her pathetic self, but on that night I hated her as much as I did when I was a teenager.
I am going to spend some time today signing up at different adoption sites. I just filled out paperwork for the International Registry. And I might even call a lawyer this week to see if he has any advice for me as to my next step.
Thanks to anyone who read this venting post. If you have any advice let me know.


Alissa said...

I have absolutely no advice but I didn't want to read and not comment. ((hugs)) and I hope you can find some resolution.

Andie D. said...

That conversation sounds a lot like one I would've had with my amom. After a lot of stuff happened, I finally cut her out of my search loop. Did it all on my own from there. One of the best decisions I've ever made.

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

Yes, I really feel for you. I go through those feelings of utter rage each and every time I get told a different adoption story. And then get told what a shame it is that I need to know.

I had to cut my adoptive mom out of the loop too. Sometimes I get dumb and ask her a question again, and then get angry with myself for asking when I knew from the start I'd get another bout of invalidation and a different story.

I'm really, really sorry. ISSR is a good start but it's a long shot if your first mother doesn't know if it's existance. Also I don't care what that woman in your first post told you about not being able to register with the NY registry. Personally, I'd do it anway. When you're asked about the city or county you were born in, just put UNKNOWN. I'd register in both MA and NY. I've registered in PA and on the county and city entries, I've just written UNKNOWN. Again though, the registries are a long shot, but you just need to know for yourself you've done everything you can.

I'm thinking it's time to find a good hardworking NY search angel to point you towards the next step. I know you made mention in your Part 1 that you've had people tell you they couldn't help you. Were those family members or searchers?

Suzy said...

I watch way too much daytime TV, as evidenced by my next comment. Please contact the Montel Williams show. They did some remarkable and impossible finds over the last few years and they might be able to steer you in the right direction. There are other shows that did similar things but Montel's is always the most sincere and loving.

You can have my mother. Please, someone take her off my hands.

Lainey-Paney said...

I have no advice.
I have no idea what it feels like to be in your shoes.

But, good luck with your search.

bijou said...

did we have the same a-mom? I completely understand what you are going through, and basically I have this bite my tongue while I visit the amom routine.

Anyhow, there are many adoptees who are here and will help to give you advice. You are not alone in your anger and hurt. Adoption sucks-


stefanierj said...

Oh, babe, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I really hope you find some answers. Just remember we're always listening.

BethGo said...

If you don't already have it, buy the book Birth Right: The Guide To Search And Reunion by Jean Strauss. It's a good place to start and get some perspective.
And do not despair. You are not alone.
Good Luck to you.

surcie said...

Wish I knew what to say. . .I just hope the pain that you're feeling will eventually be soothed, whether you get the answers you seek or not.

hellomelissa said...

my heart is pounding and i have chills. what a story! for everyone's sake, i hope the truth was a birth mom who wanted a better life for you and not a kidnapping. keep us updated...

TwinMamaLinda said...

Wow ... I am so sorry you are dealing with this in addition to everything else in life. I wish I knew someone to call ... or some place to get answers. Perhaps a lawyer can give you insight from the other lawyer's perspective. Do you have access to the documents from your legal adoption at age 11?