Here I am again, blogging about my adoption. When I first started this blog, I was really angry. I managed to write the first sentence then add the picture. (thats me when I was around 2 years old, cute huh?)
Now that I am not angry at this moment I wasn't sure if I should even write about what made me so mad. My first "Do I Look Familiar ?" blog tells a little history about what I know and don't know about my adoption and my on off wish to find biological family.
Well, on to what made me angry. What, or I should say who, in my life angers me, when I am around that person, my own personality changes. Who else but my adoptive mother. It seems that I have been angry at her my whole life. She in general is a hard person to be around for anyone. Her personality and reasons why people can't tolerate her for very long is in itself a long story and for another post, perhaps.
Anyways, if you read my adoption HX, you'll know what I am talking about. With the following dialogue I had with my A mom the other night. I should also say that the reason the confrontation occured was because as my husband says I "hit the wall" with my A mom. She was only supposed to stay over our house for 2 nights to babysit during days I had to attend a conference for work. Because of the winter storm she stayed an additional night. My patience wore out. I know it doesn't do any good to confront her. I know I will never have the relationship I want with her. I know that I've tried enough and I have accepted this on most levels. However, I was at my limit of pretending everything was hunky dory between us.
We were watching show on kidnapping. This is approximately the dialogue that occured. (thankfully, my hus was already asleep)
Me:" a while back, you said you would call H to see if her kids had found their biological family, I am ready for you to do that."
Amom:"why would I do that, how will that help, I don't think that will help"
Me:" I think it will help because the same lawyer was used and they might know how to find records or have suggestions and you said you would, you said you would help me"
Amom: " I don't see how that will help, but I will, what else can I do?"
Me:"You could give me $5000 to hire a private investigator to help me,you do know anything will help?since I have nothing, no hospital name, no doctor name, you can't even remember where you supposedly picked me up, was it a hospital, was it a K Mart parking lot, you don't know"
Amom:"I'll give you the money, but it won't be enough, and the lawyer said it was a hospital"
Me: "I was handed to you through a car window, and you don't even really know where I came from"
Amom: "they handed you to your father"
Me:"You might not even have my birthday right, back then a lot of birthdays were changed in adoptions, nothing was ever signed by my birthmother, I wasn't legally adopted until I was 11, what was I until then.
Amom:"the lawyer told me when you were born, you were adopted thats all I know"
Me:"you got me through a lawyer, no paperworked signed, you had to wait 11 years to legally adopt me because of abandonement laws, but how do you know I was actually abandoned? I could have been KIDNAPPED!
Amom:" I just really wanted a baby"
Me:" a lot of people want babies, and they get them legally, and so I was adopted and given a good life but lived my whole life wondering where I came from, never quite knowing why I didn't fit in with my A family, and thats ok because you got your baby. This (and I pointed to me and then to her) will never be ok untill I have answers. I am going to bed now."
And that was the end, the next day came and nothing more was said about it . She was finally able to leave. And I finally had my house and my sanity back. She is the only person that I am so mean to. Yes, I yell at my kids, I get upset with my hus at times, but I never feel like I can't stand them or feel so angry I can't get over it. I never feel like I hate them. But sometimes I feel like I hate her. Most days I feel sorry for her pathetic self, but on that night I hated her as much as I did when I was a teenager.
I am going to spend some time today signing up at different adoption sites. I just filled out paperwork for the International Registry. And I might even call a lawyer this week to see if he has any advice for me as to my next step.
Thanks to anyone who read this venting post. If you have any advice let me know.