You may or may not have noticed, that I haven't been around visiting all of you this week. I have wanted to,being the blogging addict I am, but due to some things happening in my life right now, I wasn't able to.
I always think that if I am depressed I will write more. For many writer's and artists, being in the depths of a severe depression seems to motivate them to create. For me, it is usually the opposite. When I am happy and have nothing important going on in my personal life, my mind tends to wander and obsess about what I am going to write about next. If I am depressed or anxious I usually just obsess about the reason for it. That is, after an extensive period of denial.
What is worrying me lately is my husband. He is the type of guy who never complains about any type of illness. He hasn't missed work in years, even times when I begged him to stay home, knowing he was spreading his nasty germs around, he would suffer through and go. Well, a few weeks ago he hurt his back. He is not sure when or how he did it. Maybe at work, maybe sledding with the kids. The back pain was so bad that he had to be taken to the doctor ASAP. I tried to get him to go to the emergency room but, well, he's stubborn. He went to the on-call doc who ended up being an asshole. He didn't even take an X-ray and prescribed Ibuprofen and a muscle relaxer. So, I had to call said asshole MD from the pharmacy and get a different medicine and had to explain to asshole that my hus is not a drug seeker, and has not been to a doctor in years, and had already tried Ibuprofen at home. My hus was on the floor in tears, was how bad it was. The asshole gave us a different prescription. However, I only wish I was in the exam room with hus at the time because I would have demanded an X-Ray. Hus, being not familiar with how things work in medicine, actually trusted this doctor to treat him correctly and prescribe something that would help. How naive.
Hus stayed out of work for 3 days and then went to see a chiropractor. He took an X-ray and told hus he had a herniated or slipped disc. Hus being the layman in the medical field can't remember which! UGH! So he went to the chiropractor a few more times but wasn't getting much better. He was able to go to work but not able to lie down to sleep. I sent him back to a DIFFERENT doctor who ended up doing a thorough exam of my hus and was worried because of the muscle weakness and numbness hus is having in his leg. He set up an MRI for hus, which he had on Tuesday, and we haven't heard the results yet.
At first I was only worried about helping hus get through his pain. Then I was worried because I was doing all the shoveling of snow and multiple other household chores hus usually does. Then of course I was worried about the money. We have money in savings for emergency, which I guess makes us lucky, but nobody actually wants to use that money for an emergency.
Then the selfish worries came to surface. I would think"I can't possibly do all the shoveling forever, and what about mowing? And oh, no, I don't want to have to work MORE! And the most selfish thought of all ...When can I have my couch back? It's my couch, when everyone else goes to bed, that is my time, I watch what I want on TV or DVD, I curl up with a good book all by myself on that couch, what will I do?"
Worse of all is that hus and I were feeling somewhat distant. I know from working with ill people all the time, that they are very self centered. If someone is in pain, they can only think of that, and it is completely normal. I try to be supportive and give hus the TLC he needs, but at times it doesn't seem like enough.
That is why I haven't spent as much time blogging lately. Too much on my mind. Today has been a good day, hus and I seem to be back to status quo. His pain is getting better and I am getting back to blogging and being selfish.
I will hopefully be visiting regularly again soon.