Do I Look Familiar? Part 2

Here I am again, blogging about my adoption. When I first started this blog, I was really angry. I managed to write the first sentence then add the picture. (thats me when I was around 2 years old, cute huh?)

Now that I am not angry at this moment I wasn't sure if I should even write about what made me so mad. My first "Do I Look Familiar ?" blog tells a little history about what I know and don't know about my adoption and my on off wish to find biological family.
Well, on to what made me angry. What, or I should say who, in my life angers me, when I am around that person, my own personality changes. Who else but my adoptive mother. It seems that I have been angry at her my whole life. She in general is a hard person to be around for anyone. Her personality and reasons why people can't tolerate her for very long is in itself a long story and for another post, perhaps.
Anyways, if you read my adoption HX, you'll know what I am talking about. With the following dialogue I had with my A mom the other night. I should also say that the reason the confrontation occured was because as my husband says I "hit the wall" with my A mom. She was only supposed to stay over our house for 2 nights to babysit during days I had to attend a conference for work. Because of the winter storm she stayed an additional night. My patience wore out. I know it doesn't do any good to confront her. I know I will never have the relationship I want with her. I know that I've tried enough and I have accepted this on most levels. However, I was at my limit of pretending everything was hunky dory between us.
We were watching show on kidnapping. This is approximately the dialogue that occured. (thankfully, my hus was already asleep)
Me:" a while back, you said you would call H to see if her kids had found their biological family, I am ready for you to do that."
Amom:"why would I do that, how will that help, I don't think that will help"
Me:" I think it will help because the same lawyer was used and they might know how to find records or have suggestions and you said you would, you said you would help me"
Amom: " I don't see how that will help, but I will, what else can I do?"
Me:"You could give me $5000 to hire a private investigator to help me,you do know anything will help?since I have nothing, no hospital name, no doctor name, you can't even remember where you supposedly picked me up, was it a hospital, was it a K Mart parking lot, you don't know"
Amom:"I'll give you the money, but it won't be enough, and the lawyer said it was a hospital"
Me: "I was handed to you through a car window, and you don't even really know where I came from"
Amom: "they handed you to your father"
Me:"You might not even have my birthday right, back then a lot of birthdays were changed in adoptions, nothing was ever signed by my birthmother, I wasn't legally adopted until I was 11, what was I until then.
Amom:"the lawyer told me when you were born, you were adopted thats all I know"
Me:"you got me through a lawyer, no paperworked signed, you had to wait 11 years to legally adopt me because of abandonement laws, but how do you know I was actually abandoned? I could have been KIDNAPPED!
Amom:" I just really wanted a baby"
Me:" a lot of people want babies, and they get them legally, and so I was adopted and given a good life but lived my whole life wondering where I came from, never quite knowing why I didn't fit in with my A family, and thats ok because you got your baby. This (and I pointed to me and then to her) will never be ok untill I have answers. I am going to bed now."

And that was the end, the next day came and nothing more was said about it . She was finally able to leave. And I finally had my house and my sanity back. She is the only person that I am so mean to. Yes, I yell at my kids, I get upset with my hus at times, but I never feel like I can't stand them or feel so angry I can't get over it. I never feel like I hate them. But sometimes I feel like I hate her. Most days I feel sorry for her pathetic self, but on that night I hated her as much as I did when I was a teenager.
I am going to spend some time today signing up at different adoption sites. I just filled out paperwork for the International Registry. And I might even call a lawyer this week to see if he has any advice for me as to my next step.
Thanks to anyone who read this venting post. If you have any advice let me know.

Fire Starter

Every morning my husband starts a fire in our wood stove. It makes the kitchen and E's room feel cozy and warm. I love to wake up and go right over to the stove to warm myself . Then I say to myself "I must remember to keep the fire going today". I get busy with the day and soon forget all about it. When I eventually remember to add wood to the fire, it is already out. It is not hard to start a fire. At least that is what people tell me. I did not grow up with a wood stove, but I have lived with one for the past 14 years in Vermont. You would think I would be an expert. But instead it usually will take me half a day to start one. Then after all my hard work I forget about it again. So I turn up the furnace. My husband loves when I keep the stove going all day. He comes home and looks at me so lovingly and approvingly like I am the best wife and mother in the world because I kept the house warm and cozy. Well he really only cares about the money. He pays the oil bill, and he doesn't like spending money. So I try. Today I have kept it going for 4 hours so far.

Weather and Family Update

We are all doing well trying hard to make it through another winter without losing our minds or at the very least hating one another. T and E could not get along for 5 minutes this past weekend. It was very aggravating. Yesterday on the way to school, I gave them a long talk about trying to get along. I also explained how stressful it is on me and papa to hear so much yelling and crying. Usually E (8yo) will say "Ok mama, I'll try harder to be nicer to my brother", but yesterday she said "NO, I'm not going to try and be nice because it is no use, I can't do it!" Well, at least she was being honest.

E is doing well in 3rd grade, math was shaky in the beginning but now , no thanks to mama and papa, she is doing better. She takes tap, jazz, plays basketball, and is a junior brownie. I am really proud of her, I hated all those things because I was shy. I am glad she is not.

T loves preschool most days. The teacher says he prefers play to any other activities, but that he is smart. I also have been taking him swimming at an indoor pool weekly which he enjoys. He also still "wuvs mama" and prefers time with me to anyone else.

Papa has also been in a bad mood lately. He can't wait to get outside and garden. We all hope that no creatures have eaten the many bulbs he planted last fall.

Mama(me) looks forward to spring just to improve my mental health. I need sunshine soon or I will have to up my Lexapro dose or my drinking

I just can't wait to swim in my pool...

BURRR!

Bedbugs and Ballyhoo

I don't get a whole lot of sleep around here. I've had chronic insomnia for as long as I remember and having kids and cats only adds to the problem. I have tried everything possible from meditation to drug therapy. Drugs seem to work best. Lunesta is my current drug of choice. It helps me fall asleep but I still awaken easily to most noises. For example last night:

I took my Med early so I could be in bed by 11. I work part time evening shift so on those nights my bedtime is 2 am. On my nights off I've been staying awake untill MN. I want to start going to bed earlier to see if I feel less fatigued and more inclined to exercise during the day.
Anyways, I fell asleep quickly in bed aroung 11pm. Suddenly, it seemed, I was talking in my sleep "there are no bedbugs"..."what?" Then I realized I was not dreaming, my daughtor E was standing at my bedside wailing "A BEDBUG BIT ME A BEDBUG BIT ME, IT BURNS, MY EAR BURNS, WAAA!" she cried. E does occaisionally sleeptalk or walk but she was clearly awake at that time. My hus and I jumped (struggled) out of bed. He went upstairs to check her bed, I took her to the bathroom to check her ear. Sure enough there was a red welt on her left ear. "It was a hornet" Hus yelled down to us. Well E wasn't getting back into her bed anytime soon so I let her have mine and I took the couch. It was 1:00am.

The effects of the Lunesta still present, Ifell back to sleep fast. Then I heard my Husband shouting from the bedroom "SON OF A B*TCH, MOTHER F*CKER!", I asked what was wrong, I was scared. He told me that our cat, our sweet, loving, elderly siamese cat Cokee had thrown up all over the bed, even on my husbands feet. Yuck! I felt sorry for him and my daughtor so I helped change the sheet and blankets. It was 2:00am.

It took me a little longer to fall back asleep this time, but I managed. Then a little while later my other cat,
my overweight middle aged cat Arthur, started jumping on and off the couch and running to the front door and back in an attempt to get me to let him out. For cripes sake it was minus 2 outside. I threw a pillow at him an hoped he would give up. No luck. So I got up and let him out. My hus would be up soon for work and could let Arty back in, so I figured he probably wouldn't freeze in that amount of time. It was 3:00AM.
E woke me up at 6:30AM when the alarm woke her up.
I've been drinking a lot of coffee today.
Most nights are not as dramatic as last night. Usually its my son who keeps us up. T talks and cries in his sleep and has the occaisional night terror, and sometimes even falls out of bed. Last night he was the only one who slept queitly and soundly all night. Good for him.

Will I ever get a good nights sleep again?

The Tag, The Insecurities

I have been tagged. I have to say I am very honored to have been tagged. I will do it because I really like the person that tagged me.Nursing, life... The tag is to tell some six word stories. I'll do my best.

Kids keep fighting, mama keeps drinking.

New dark hair color, fabulous me.

Nightmares sicken, hiding beneath daylights dreams.

And one more I had scrapped but my family thought was funny...

Chicken again? How boring is that?

I am unable to tag anyone at this time. My feelings were hurt when I participated in a book chain mail thing. I did what I was supposed to do and my daughtor was supposed to receive some books back from the people I sent the letter to. She got none. She felt bad, I felt bad. Forgive me Linda if I can't take anymore rejection!

A-Z Reasons Why I Love My Husband

A- Alcohol-He buys me my wine when I am running low.

B-Better-I am a better person with him.

C-Cooks -He likes to cook and almost every Saturday, makes soup before I even wake up.

D-Devil-Not afraid to tell me when my "Devil Voice" (the one I use when I yell at the kids) is scaring him.

E-Energy-He has endless energy, exercise in the morning, work all day, come home and work more and play with the kids until he falls asleep in the chair.

F-Flowers-Has planted over 30 flower beds with even more types of flowers on our property.

G-Garden-Has 5 vegetable gardens.

H-Hyundai-He thinks every person who reaches retirement age should be given a new Hyudai Elantra. It makes him sad when he sees old people driving a "peice of crap".(bleeding heart liberal!)

I-Impression-He does the funniest impression of Five For Fighting.
J-Job-He has a job.

K-Kids-Loves his kids more than life itself.

L-Laugh-Not afraid to make fun of himself or me.

M-Music-We like most of the same music, which is a rare find here in Vermont where most people listen to country.

N-Natural-A natural born Father, never afraid to take care of his kids.

O-OCD-Accepts my OCD and anxiety disorders like its all part of a regular day.

P-Poem-He wrote a poem for our 8 year old daughtor and he is not a writer.

Q-Queasy-He gets queasy at horror movies and actually thinks Buffy the Vampire Slayer is scary!

R-Really-Really Cute.

S-Sunday-Has what I call his "Sunday Mood" when I know he always wakes up in a slightly grumpy mood on Sundays.

T-Three-Washes the floors three times a week at least.

U-Unmade-He wont get into an unmade bed. Which he will make himself if I have overlooked it.

V-Vows-Before we had kids, we vowed never to refer to each other as "Mama or Papa" when we did have kids. Now that we have kids we have broken that vow.

W-Washes-He washes the dishes and laundry.

X-Xylophone-He plays the xylophone. Well, the kids crocodile one.

Y-Yodel-His dad could Yodel.

Z-Zip Code-The only zip code he cares about is ours, and prefers to be home more than anywhere else.

Yes, he is real. I know this post is cheesy, but I wanted to share what a great Husband I have and how lucky I am.