I had a few emotionally bad days last week. For those of you who don't know the story of my adoption, click on the label at the bottom of this post and you'll find my previous adoption posts.I finally figured out why it is taking me so long to get anywhere with this search for my biological family. Every time I take a step, for example call someone or write someone, I hit a brick wall. When this happens to me, instead of motivating me to take another step, it just makes me upset and I give up for a while.
About 6 months ago I contacted a lawyer to find out if I had any chance of winning a petition to the court to open my files. First I couldn't find a lawyer that had ever petitioned the court to open sealed birth records, then it took a while to find one that might help me with my case. We have emailed back and forth a few times. He didn't think I had a case without a medical reason and thought perhaps a private investigator would be more helpful. I know someone who had done this and was successful at finding her birth parents. It was probably over 10 years ago and cost $5000. Her adoption was straight forward-through an agency- type adoption. Mine is a more complicated-black or gray market-type adoption. So I figure it would cost even more.
The latest thing I have done, is to see a skin doctor because I think I might have a hereditary skin condition. The doc said he wasn't' convinced that I did have this, but is willing to write a letter to the court stating that it would be beneficial to know my family history and whether any close relatives have skin cancer.I emailed this news to the lawyer. He emailed me back that he is willing to try petitioning the court, however, isn't sure it will work and he anticipates appeals. He also wants a $5000 retainer. If he told me that this would definitely work, I would have already mailed him the check. Instead, I read that it might not, and then I started to cry. I absolutely hate crying! It's not that I don't find crying therapeutic at times, I do. It's just that lately once the waterworks start, they don't want to stop, my eyes burn and swell and for days after I still feel like my brain is foggy and my eyes are puffy.This is why I give up so easily. I need time to recover and become strong enough to try again. This is also why at times I just feel like giving up. Is it worth the emotional turmoil? Sometimes, well most times, I am angry too because it is just so unfair that I have to go through all this, just to know my history. NOT FAIR!!!!( Sorry, feeling a little sorry for myself?)
Today my goals are to make more phone calls and try not to cry at the first disappointment.I am going to call the following:
1.Another adoptee who was adopted from the same lawyer, not sure if I have the correct phone number.
2.An adoption support group in the area where I was possibly born.
3.The Newspaper from where I was possibly born to see about putting an ad in it. I'm sure I'll get a lot of crackpots answering so I will get a p.o. box and new email.
4.The local police department from where I was possibly born to find out about how long they keep records of missing or abandoned babies. 40 years?
5.Local library to find out where I can view archives of newspapers.
What I fear will happen is, I will call number one, get nowhere, start crying and give up for the day, week or month. This time however, I have taking a half of a Xanax and will take more as needed!
Wish me luck. I'll be by to visit everyone this evening.