Sorry I haven't been around to visit lately, I've been a little stressed out. Actually I've been a lot stressed out.
For years I have had anxiety and depression, more anxiety than depression. The most troubling symptom I have is obsessive thinking. Some days I can't shut down my brain. I've tried several antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and have found that Lexapro works the best for me. Most days I can handle my thoughts and talk myself into letting them go out of my head, most days. There are certain things that trigger my anxiety, kids fighting, monthly hormones, my mother, kids fighting, lack of sleep, guilt, and did I mention kids fighting?
Well combine all those things at the same time and you have the perfect combination for me to have an anxiety attack.
Last week I had all these things together creating the perfect storm for my brain to go into overload. The kids had enough of each other, I was feeling pressure to get them ready for school, I didn't get enough sleep, my period is late which means my hormones were at an all time high,and I was feeling guilty wondering if I spent enough time playing with the kids over the summer. I particularly was feeling guilty for not following up with teaching T how to tie his shoes. We did it a few times but then just sort of forgot about it. I mean what kind of horrible mother am I, allowing him to get sneakers with Velcro instead of ties.
So what happens when I have all these worries is that I will obsess about them and if there are too many worries then my brain creates new make-believe worries. For example on my way to work on Tuesday, I kept imagining bizarre horrible accidents my kids could be in, I tried to talk myself down and say "It's just a weird thought, let it go"but they wouldn't go away. My heart started racing, I felt short of breath and chest tightness. I finally took a Xanax, just a half, and managed to get to work where my mind could focus on work instead of my personal life. Having the stress become so out of control is a rare occurrence for me, thankfully.
I'm feeling slightly better today. Yesterday was the first day of school and after I dropped the kids off, I came home and went straight to bed, where I stayed until 1:30PM! Just me and Cokee, cuddling and dozing on and off. It was wonderful.
Today I am tired but it's my own damn fault for staying up too late reading; I also still don't have my period, UGH! No, not pregnant, just starting peri-menopause. I would go back to bed now but there are men putting in a new bathroom floor right now. Maybe when they leave.