Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Still Looking For My Biological Parents

It's now been six months since I hired a Private Investigator to find my biological parents and still no news.

Some days I spend too much time obsessing about my current search, my past, my complaints about how things went regarding my adoption.

One thing that comes to mind is the first story(lie) I was told about my biological mother. I only say "mother" because I was never told any story about my bio father and it wasn't until I was older that I started wondering about him.

The first fictional story my parents told me about my bio mother was not an unusual one. Many adoptee's have been told the same thing.

"Your mother died."

According to my adoptive mother, this is what "the lawyer said to tell" me. I know when people tell me to do stupid things like jump off a bridge, I do it. To say there was no common sense or any thought for how this might make me feel, is and understatement.

Imagine as a young child to be told that your mother is dead but at the same time not given any encouragement to grieve over this horrible loss, instead being told how "lucky" you were to be chosen for adoption out of "all the other babies in the nursery".

How sad is that? My mother died but no one seems to think I should be upset about it. Nobody talks about it.

When I was little, before my adoptive mother changed the story several more times, I was sad about the death of my bio mother. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, romanticising about what she might have been like. It was very confusing to say the least. I was too young to vocalize many of the thoughts, feelings and questions I was having, but they must have affected me deep inside even then.

Now, I can look back and think of some of the questions my subconscious mind must have pondered...
If my mother died...
Since I was adopted at birth (supposedly) did she die because of me?
Where is my father?
Where is my other family?
Do I have any sisters or brothers?

I still wonder every day about the answers to these questions.

Okay, not looking for sympathy with these posts; I just want people to gain some understanding about how closed adoption affects people.


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

When my sister was a teenager in a drug rehab group called Freeway my mom commented on how many of the kids there were adopted. It's tough to have so many questions and no answers.

Good luck with your search. I hope you find what you are looking for.

MereCat said...

We were supposed to have to use donor eggs to get pregnant, but ended up not needing the donor. During the counseling for the program, they told us to think long and hard about whether or not to tell the child about being from a donor, and not biologically connected to me the mother. They really discouraged us from telling, and I was kind of surprised. I said that I couldn't lie to my kid and would end up telling them, and if they wanted to tell it was their story to tell. But there was A LOT of conversation around it so I can relate to your situation a little bit from the standpoint of being a parent.

I hope you find biomom very soon. You need to find her. I'm hoping that it will be any day now.

barb said...

I can relate to those feelings. Even though my mother is my biological mother and I was adopted by her second husband. She never wanted me to find out about my biological father. Of course, eventually, I did.

On this side of knowing, I sometimes wonder which is worse... The lies and the wondering, or the truth that wasn't so pretty and the knowing of it. Sometimes, the fairy tales are so much better.

Shelly Overlook said...

I'm so sorry you haven't found any answers yet.

Suzy said...

Heidi, I have been following you and this story for a very long time now and it breaks my heart that you have so many questions after all this time.

Knowing what a wonderful mom you are to T and E, I know you got a lot of that love and compassion from your DNA.

Johnson County Observer said...

Mom was adopted herself. sometime in her late 50's she found her mother accidentally. VERY mixed situation. The hurt remained. Then...her son found her. The secret lad now in his 40's. NOT really a good thing. Within 6 months he killed himself. There is another girl out there too...All these secrets. The revelelations were NOT healing. Mom is dead now. She would MUCH have prefered the lies to prevail. She did NOT want me or Sis or anyone else to know that she tossed two babies in the two years before Dad married her. Frankly, I wish I never knew. Don't expect the meeting, to be all roses and sunshine and fulfillment.

Jessenia said...

I can say I know how you are feeling exactly right now! Tomorrow is my birthday and all kinds of things are running in my mind as to if my mom is thinking about me or if she just erased me out of her mind and heart completely as if she never even had me.

My adopted mother once told me my mother was dead as well, something about she got HIV but i dont know if its true or not. In my heart i feel she is alive somewhere. I dont know why adopted parents seem to say things like that. I know I have sisters and brothers and i wonder if i will ever get to meet them. I never wondered too much about my father growing up but now i really want to know. I wish yo the best and keep writing so you can help some of us get through it. we have to stick together because this search stuff can become very exhausting. Happy Birthday to me.

Gaston Studio said...

I can understand some closed adoptions but don't think this should be the standard; we're not all really stupid.

Stephanie said...

Sorry H you are going through this. A very dear friend of mine, was adopted and needed to find her bio parents for health reasons. It turned out her family was totally nuts, and started to stalk her.

I don't know what your motivations are but sometimes, it may cause more problems to know. What is it you want to know, and how do your adoptive parents feel about this? Can they shed any light? The other thing is, will this improve your life, or make it more agonizing all the waiting and wondering?

I know several people who are adopted, and have tracked down their bio parents. The bio parents didn't want to be contacted, so it was a really sad situation.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find what you are looking for. All the very best to you.

Remember you have created your own beautiful family and you should be very proud of what you have accomplished.

Granny Lyn said...

oh, Heidi, my heart is so full for you right now, I am an adoptive parent, I adopted two children. I was always truthful-leaning-on-the-bio's-side. My children had medical problems, and I told them that their moms just could not take care of them. I promised them I would help them find their mothers, and I did. I'm sorry I did, but that's the way it goes. Neither of their moms wanted anything to do with them, and it broke my daughter's heart. I wish I would not have been so generous, and maybe her expectations would not have been so high.

We have to remember what the moms went through at that time of their lives and it brings back all the pain and hurt when they are confronted with these children. I can only imagine. Some can deal with it, some can't. I wish with all my heart that you find the answers you want to find, but I caution you to be prepared for the opposite.

Hit 40 said...

I love that you shared your feelings. I think that I told you my brother in law found his mom. I hope you have the same blessing.

I read a post today from a mom who had twins that talked in the same heart felt way of the hardship that she had when the twins were babies. I had never heard a mom of twins be so honest.

Your feelings were honest and good to know. I like understanding how others have events touch them in their lives.

Wishing 4 One said...

Man I was so hoping you would have some answers by now. I can't imagine how hard this must be, I just can't imagine. Be strong and know one day you will have some answers and I think you will be ready for whatever you find out. You have beeb searching so long and something just has to come about soon. xoxoxoxo

Zip n Tizzy said...

This is a hard one.
As someone who has always wished for a better relationship with my dad, but finally let go, I can say there is always sadness in abandonment, whether you know your parent or not.
My husband has reminded me many times that eventually we need to let go of the idea of the parent, and be at peace with our present family.
It's taken me years and I'm still working through it, but I'm investing a lot more energy these days focusing on the people who are actually in my life, and working to create the childhood I'd wished I'd had for my children.
I hope you can find resolution soon, as I know you have so many unanswered questions, but remember if you never find them, that you've got the ones you need, right now.

Karen MEG said...

H, I hope you find the answers that you're seeking soon. That must have been all sorts of confusing and hurtful to be told that your bio mother had died...I wonder if adoptive parents find it easier to deal with the story that way and hope the issue goes away, even just for them to deal.

I'm hoping that the little girl inside of you can heal when you find what you're looking for.