It's now been six months since I hired a Private Investigator to find my biological parents and still no news.
Some days I spend too much time obsessing about my current search, my past, my complaints about how things went regarding my adoption.
One thing that comes to mind is the first story(lie) I was told about my biological mother. I only say "mother" because I was never told any story about my bio father and it wasn't until I was older that I started wondering about him.
The first fictional story my parents told me about my bio mother was not an unusual one. Many adoptee's have been told the same thing.
"Your mother died."
According to my adoptive mother, this is what "the lawyer said to tell" me. I know when people tell me to do stupid things like jump off a bridge, I do it. To say there was no common sense or any thought for how this might make me feel, is and understatement.
Imagine as a young child to be told that your mother is dead but at the same time not given any encouragement to grieve over this horrible loss, instead being told how "lucky" you were to be chosen for adoption out of "all the other babies in the nursery".
How sad is that? My mother died but no one seems to think I should be upset about it. Nobody talks about it.
When I was little, before my adoptive mother changed the story several more times, I was sad about the death of my bio mother. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, romanticising about what she might have been like. It was very confusing to say the least. I was too young to vocalize many of the thoughts, feelings and questions I was having, but they must have affected me deep inside even then.
Now, I can look back and think of some of the questions my subconscious mind must have pondered...
If my mother died...
Since I was adopted at birth (supposedly) did she die because of me?
Where is my father?
Where is my other family?
Do I have any sisters or brothers?
I still wonder every day about the answers to these questions.
Okay, not looking for sympathy with these posts; I just want people to gain some understanding about how closed adoption affects people.